A Surprise For Heidi

Once upon a time there was a Heidi.
Here are a few interesting facts about this Heidi:

  • Though she is very well-read, Heidi cannot spell well.  She has trouble with words like “oppertunity”.
  • Heidi likes black licorice and chocolate. Together.
  • Heidi no longer minds infertility.  She is content with her family size and is happy not to have to worry about things like birth control.

This is what Heidi looked like a few months ago:
A new addition

Sadly, this is what Heidi looks like now:
A new addition
Please note the sleepy eyes, weepy tears, angry eyebrows, mouth about to erupt in hysterical laughter, slightly larger and tender tatas, and pudgyer belly.
Also please note that even Heidi’s hair is flipping out these days. But that is intentional.
Oh yes, and the red dots: Those red dots could be chicken pox. Heidi would like them to be chicken pox. However, they are most likely a proliferation (Heidi spelled that word without help) of acne.
Unless they are chicken pox.
Not pictured: Heidi’s mild nausea. And not just when she looks in a mirror.

Clearly something is going on with Heidi.
Heidi’s doctor has confirmed it. Something is growing inside Heidi’s body.
Care to guess what?
A new addition
You have three chances.
1. Nope, not Renesmee II.
2. Alien, Sigourny Weaver style? Interesting thought, but no.
3. A baby-to-be?
Wrong again! Sorry, you lose.

Lucky Heidi! She gets to experience the feeling of being pregnant without actually getting pregnant!

The little bugger causing Heidi all of these problems is a two inch long ovarian cyst. Heidi is lovingly referring to it as her “Meat Baby”.
Just keepin’ it real people.
A new addition
Today’s drawing looks like a Texas Longhorn. With Earrings.
Would you care to know how Heidi’s doctor plans to get rid of Heidi’s unwelcome surprise?
With these:
A new addition
So to recap:
Heidi can not get pregnant. Nor does she want to become so.
But Heidi’s body is acting pregnant.
To fix this problem, Heidi must begin taking birth-control pills.
Irony, anyone?

A new addition
Heidi is ready for her epidural now.


  1. OK, at first I was thinking No Way! Then I was thinking NO WAY! Then I burst into laughter at your illustrations. So sorry for your pain ect.

  2. Girl…..that is bad…..funny but …..Hope things are better soon Ms Heidi!

    The Roosts last blog post..Celebrate

  3. That was great! Thanks for the morning chuckle 🙂 Sorry to hear about the meat baby but luckily it’s not anything more serious right?

  4. I know the situation probably doesn’t feel funny to you, but the way you wrote / drew this cracked me up. I hope you are feeling better soon!

    By the way, your “male bits” comment on my blog cracked me up too. Thanks for stopping by!

    gennys last blog post..Laughing and wedgies and something about Monday…

  5. Heidi, oh man, I thought it was #3. I had a cyst last year. Mine went away without doing anything at all. They did an ultrasound and found it, then did another one a month later and it was gone. Oh, it they were fun, interesting NEW kinds of ultrasounds… the kind where they put a long wand thing inside. Hmm, I didn’t even find out the technician’s name 🙂

    Melissa R

    Heidi here: I’ll admit, I kind of wondered about #3 too. But no.
    I had one of those fun ultrasounds and it confirmed it. Yucky cyst.
    I’ve been taking my pills for a couple of days and I’m not feeling like I hate everyone around me anymore so that’s improvement.

  6. sucks! sucks! sucks!
    Fabulous irony.

  7. I’m sorry, but you are so dang funny! I think these crazy things happen to you so that people like me can laugh. I hope your meat baby dissolves soon.

  8. No way!!! I didn’t know ovarian cysts look like Plankton from Spongebob? That’s so weird. LOL Heidi, I am so sorry. Life is just one big irony after another. Glad you can laugh, cuz crying would make your mascara run.

    Beckys last blog post..Digiscrappin’ with Beck

  9. I am so never looking at a Texas Longhorn the same way again- LOL!!!!!!

  10. hey little sis,
    I am planning a meat baby shower for you. I figure we can all sit around and play pin the fallopian tube to the ovary or guess how many birth control pills are in the container. The lucky winners will receive a tube of estrogen cream and a industrial size bottle of Midol. I haven’t decided on refreshments as of yet, that usually is your area when planning a party.
    I am sorry that you are going through this. I have a 3cm ovarian cyst pushing on my right ureter causing my kidney to be enlarged. Instead of taking the birth control pills I have opted to pop a few Percocet from time to time.Love you

  11. I’m so sorry, but I’m glad you can laugh about it. It’s fun to be a woman, isn’t it?

    threeundertwos last blog post..Don’t vote



  1. Unfinished Business : Frantically Simple - [...] item of business, some of you have asked about my meat baby ovarian cyst. (Mr. Frantic has politely asked…
  2. On My Mind: November 17, 2014 | Heidi Schulz Books - […] three-point-six-seven I want to get holiday prep finished early because in mid-December I am having surgery. Longtime blog readers…

Let's chat, shall we?

Contact Twitter Facebook Tumblr Pinterest Instagram Goodreads RSS Feed