Read other Adventures of Heidi stories here.
Once upon a time there was a Heidi. When you were as old as Heidi was in this story, you were only eight. Nine if you were a late bloomer.
Heidi’s mom cut her hair. Heidi’s mom was not drunk when she used her haircutting “skills” to create Heidi’s “hairstyle”, but she might as well have been.
Sometimes people would say to Heidi’s parents, “That’s a good looking boy you have there!”
This was offensive to Heidi for three reasons:
- To the best of her knowledge, Heidi has never been a boy.
- Heidi was wearing earrings! How could the people not notice the totally feminine earrings?!
- Even mistaken for a boy, Heidi was not all that good looking. She knew the people were just trying to be polite.
Heidi had eight brothers and sisters. At the time of this story, only Heidi and two brothers were living at home. Heidi’s parents wanted to have all of the siblings get together. At the same time. At the same place. Eight out of the nine children agreed to meet in Utah for a camp out. One sister wisely declined.
Sidenote: Heidi’s siblings have still never managed to all be in the same place at the same time. Heidi fears for what might happen if they were. It is possible that a hole would be ripped in the space-time continuum. Or that someone would get their feelings hurt and leave in a huff.
Anyway, Heidi went on the family camp out, because she was eight (or nine) and had no other choice. Besides she was a good little
boy girl and wouldn’t want to defy her parents.
At the time.
There would be plenty of time for that as Heidi got older.
Many of Heidi’s siblings were much older than Heidi. They were married with children of their own. Some of their children were not much younger than Heidi.
I interrupt this story for a joke: Do you know what is special about a Mormon wedding? The bride is not pregnant… but her mother is! wah wah wah wah waaaah!
On this camp out, one of Heidi’s brothers thoughtlessly brought his daughter, Brooke. Brooke was Heidi’s nemesis because:
- She was little (emphasizing Heidi’s no-longer-littleness).
- She was cute (see above).
- She had long, dark, curly hair.
- No one ever thought she was a boy.
Heidi tried not to be jealous, but could not help rejoicing when it was deemed that Heidi and her 11 year old brother were old enough to sleep out by the fire. Alone. Without Brooke.
After a few
dozen s’mores, everyone else went to bed in campers.
Heidi’s brother was recovering from mono and slept about 42 hours a day. He dropped off right away and began to snore. Loudly.
Heidi looked at the stars for awhile, then closed her eyes and began to drift off.
Suddenly! Heidi heard a noise!
It was a VERY LOUD crunching noise. Not totally unlike
a giant gnawing on a skull a larger than average person stomping through leaves.
Heidi was no dummy. She knew the law. If there is a boogie-man out to get you and you close your eyes very tight and lie very still, he will be unable to see you.
The crunching grew louder. It seemed to come from all around the campsite.
Heidi risked a peek.
The campsite was being attacked by
malformed lizard silhouettes! skunks!
Heidi clamped her eyes down tight. There must have been
a hundred at least five of them!
What choice did Heidi have but to lie still and wait for morning?
She did not move a muscle. She did not open her eyes. Even when she felt paws on the side of her sleeping bag.
Eventually, Heidi must have passed out from fear. When morning came, the skunks were gone.
Heidi could not wait to tell her family about her terrifying ordeal.
Their response was unexpected.
I think you dreamed it.
Her mono-stricken brother was
awakened questioned. He had slept through it.
Nothing could convince them of the truth. Heidi had spent the night being held hostage by a roving gang of skunks and no one believed her!
Later, Heidi’s family had a family award ceremony. Why? Who knows.
Brook, Heidi’s nemesis, received none other than the Little Miss Sunshine Award. It was a big bag of candy.
Not the actual Little Miss Sunshine Award.
Heidi won the Stretches the Truth Award. Here is her prize:
The moral of this story is: Um… er…
Okay, so this story has no moral. It is completely
In other news, Newt and I are going camping this weekend. Walt has to work. I hope there are no skunks.
Epilogue: Brooke grew up to be a lovely woman, despite being spoiled by too much love and candy.