After more hours than I care to count of writing, rewriting, insightful critique partners and beta readers, rewriting, hair-pulling and tears, rewriting again, and a few rousing rounds of Typo Search and Destroy, I am satisfied that I have a product ready to be represented. Now the real fun begins.
I have diligently done my homework, learned the dos and do-nots.
I now present for your benefit, Seven Deadly Sins* of Agent Querying:
1. A proud look:
Certainly you
should be confident when describing your work. Avoid self-deprecation and
phrases such as “I hope that you will like this.” On the other hand,
overconfidence or cockiness are off putting. Even if you are certain, in
your heart of hearts, that your book will be adored by the masses (and why
wouldn’t it be? You are gifted, darn it!), do not, I repeat, do not allow
the words ‘blockbuster’ or ‘bestseller’ to come anywhere near your query
letter.
Present your work in the best possible light, but avoid hyperbole.
2. A lying tongue:
You know, up
there, where I said to avoid hyperbole? That applies to your entire query.
Do not exaggerate your education, publishing credits, blog visitors, connections, or word count. Just don’t. Shakespeare knew what he was talking about when
he wrote, “The truth will out”.
A simple Google search can tell volumes
these days, and from what I’ve heard, many agents like to do lsome research when it comes to potential clients.
Exaggeration, or as I
prefer to call it, lying, is no good way to make a good impression.
3. Hands that shed innocent
bloodpen the wrong agent’s name:
The preferred salutation is ‘Dear Mr. or
Ms.’ followed by a correctly spelled last name – of one particular agent,
not a cc’d list of all the agents you would like to query. Sure, agents
know that you are likely querying widely, but a lack of personalization is
just rude.
Rudeness is not helpful to your cause.
In the same vein, do not
send your query to an agent that does not represent the type of work you
do.
Do your homework!
4. A heart that devises wicked
plots:
No wait, that’s a good one. Do that, then devise a wickedly
smart query letter describing it.
See Query Shark or Slush Pile Tales.
5. Feet that are swift to run Fingers that are swift to create typos and eyes that are
into mischief
slow to correct them:
Read over your query. Have someone else read over
your query. Read over your query again.
Be sure to have correct spelling, punctuation, and for the
love of Pete, correct word usage. You are presenting yourself as a professional
wordsmith. Show your mastery.
This is not to say that you should grab your
thesaurus and fill your query with $10 words, but whatever words you
choose to use, please use them correctly.
6. A deceitful witness that
uttereth lies:
Lies again? I think this one may be important.
Don’t lie. Even if you do land a contract, you will always be worried that your deceitfulness will be discovered. Just don’t lie.
7. Him
that soweth discord among brethren:
If you get a rejection that
particularly stings, call up and cry to a friend, drown your sorrows in a pint of Ben
and Jerry’s Phish Food, or take a day to lie on the couch staring vacantly
at daytime television (but only one – that stuff will rot your brain).
Do not
under any circumstances tweet, blog, facebook, google +, mass email, stumble, pin, or tumbl your displeasure about
the obviously idiotic (and possibly drunk) agent who refused to see that you are the next J. K. Rowling.
The internet is a small
town. Do not anger the villagers.
By the same token, do not reply to
a rejection with annoyance, vitriol, or sarcasm. In fact, do not reply at all
unless it is to say, “Thank you for your suggestions”.
An angry email is not going
to convince anyone to take a second look. It may, however, convince someone to
share your email address with colleagues, under the subject line: Avoid Like
the Black Death.
*Though not the traditional seven (Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, Pride), I felt that Proverb’s list of things the Lord hates fit quite nicely. To be on the safe side be sure to keep the traditional seven out of your query letter as well, unless they are describing your plot ( in a wickedly good way).
What query sins would you add to my list?
