The Heidi System

Heidi would like to apologize for the quality of the following pictures. Once again, her scanner and laptop are quarreling. Thanks, Vista. You rock.

Once upon a time there was a Heidi. Please do not confuse this Heidi with the little girl in the Alps.
heidi 001

Not so long ago, Heidi had a calendar.

It hung on the bulletin board in the kitchen where Heidi could conveniently use it. It worked quite well for her. But…
One day Heidi became a homeschool teacher. She felt the need to become a bit more organized with her schedule.
So Heidi bought another calendar. The second calendar was to record lesson plans.
calendar 2

The dual calendar system worked so well that Heidi bought a third calendar. A little one just for planning her menus.
3 calendars

Now some, less organized, people might think that having three calendars is a bit much, but Heidi did not agree. Heidi was of the mind that if one was good, three were better.
Heidi felt very organized. She wanted to pass her mad organizational skillz to the next generation. Heidi bought a date book for her daughter to keep track of her schedule.
And then she bought one for herself.
5 calendars

Heidi was now so very organized.
She did occasionally have a problem with writing appointments down on one calendar and then forgetting about them.
Like the time she missed her daughter’s doctor’s appointment…
…and didn’t realize it for a week.
But that’s what happens when you are as organized as Heidi.
Fiction Advisory: The remainder of this story is currently fiction.
Eventually Heidi became so organized that she could no longer function. She was last seen wandering about consulting a suitcase full of calendars trying to determine if she had missed her hair appointment.
organized heidi
But at least she was no longer disorganized.
The End

Heidi Finds Her Bliss

The contest is now closed. Congratulations to Jennifer, Tara, and Kristinia!

Quarterly Bloggy Giveaway Carnival sponsored by Bloggy Giveaways.
Stay tuned until the end for the giveaway.

Once upon a time there was a Heidi.
Homemaker Heidi

The Heidi family had a husband…
Home Office Mr. Frantic

a daughter…
homeschool Newt
Sidenote: Girl Wonder really can spell school. Teacher? Not so much.

and a dog.
Shasta by Gumby
Another sidenote: India Elephant was reluctant to play Shasta again. She was afraid of becoming typecast. Today, the role of Shasta will be played by Gumby.

Heidi loved spending time with her husband.
Heidi loved spending time with her daughter.
Heidi even liked spending time with Shasta. Usually.
But sometimes Heidi missed spending time with Heidi. Alone.

She tried retreating to her sanctuary, but…
No Sanctuary
unfortunately it was not soundproof.

Heidi wanted some alone time, not much – just some, to…
a nap would be nice

Heidi Surfs

Bathing Heidi

The Heidi family is busy, busy, busy, but Mr. Frantic is a great guy. He is working on a plan. A good plan. A plan that includes weekly daddy/daughter dates.

In the meantime Heidi just may have to invest in a pair of…

Pure bliss.

And now for the giveaway:
Compliments of Chex Mix Bars, the Basket of Indulgence!
Including a box of Turtle Chex Mix Bars, chocolate candles, caramel lotion and spa essentials like a loofah, hand massager, nail brush and spa towel.
Earplugs not included.
Bathing you
I am also giving away one hour of time alone. If you win, I will personally email your family and ask them to please leave you alone. (That should work, right?)

I have three of these to giveaway.
Contest is open to anyone with a valid email address.
To enter, leave a comment answering at least one of the following questions:

  • Where is your sanctuary?
  • What do you do when you have time alone?
  • When was the last time you used the restroom without someone yelling through the door?

I will choose three winners on Saturday. Good luck!

A Surprise For Heidi

Once upon a time there was a Heidi.
Here are a few interesting facts about this Heidi:

  • Though she is very well-read, Heidi cannot spell well.  She has trouble with words like “oppertunity”.
  • Heidi likes black licorice and chocolate. Together.
  • Heidi no longer minds infertility.  She is content with her family size and is happy not to have to worry about things like birth control.

This is what Heidi looked like a few months ago:
A new addition

Sadly, this is what Heidi looks like now:
A new addition
Please note the sleepy eyes, weepy tears, angry eyebrows, mouth about to erupt in hysterical laughter, slightly larger and tender tatas, and pudgyer belly.
Also please note that even Heidi’s hair is flipping out these days. But that is intentional.
Oh yes, and the red dots: Those red dots could be chicken pox. Heidi would like them to be chicken pox. However, they are most likely a proliferation (Heidi spelled that word without help) of acne.
Unless they are chicken pox.
Not pictured: Heidi’s mild nausea. And not just when she looks in a mirror.

Clearly something is going on with Heidi.
Heidi’s doctor has confirmed it. Something is growing inside Heidi’s body.
Care to guess what?
A new addition
You have three chances.
1. Nope, not Renesmee II.
2. Alien, Sigourny Weaver style? Interesting thought, but no.
3. A baby-to-be?
Wrong again! Sorry, you lose.

Lucky Heidi! She gets to experience the feeling of being pregnant without actually getting pregnant!

The little bugger causing Heidi all of these problems is a two inch long ovarian cyst. Heidi is lovingly referring to it as her “Meat Baby”.
Just keepin’ it real people.
A new addition
Today’s drawing looks like a Texas Longhorn. With Earrings.
Would you care to know how Heidi’s doctor plans to get rid of Heidi’s unwelcome surprise?
With these:
A new addition
So to recap:
Heidi can not get pregnant. Nor does she want to become so.
But Heidi’s body is acting pregnant.
To fix this problem, Heidi must begin taking birth-control pills.
Irony, anyone?

A new addition
Heidi is ready for her epidural now.

Heidi – Live From Studio D

Once upon a time there was a Heidi.
Mrs Dolly as Heidi
The Heidi family had a husband,
a daughter,
daughter dolly
and a dog.
Sidenote: Other actors tried out for the part of Shasta
didn't make call-backs
but none were quite right for the role.

Heidi liked to write.
Heidi also liked to color with markers.
Even though she was officially a grown-up.
For some reason no one could tell, Heidi liked to share her “art” with others. On the internet.
This is Heidi’s computer.
It is a laptop. It is three months old.
It does not smell like a lemon.
It does not look like a lemon.
But Heidi thinks it is a lemon.
If you look close you can see it says this:
dell hell
Heidi has had nothing but problems with her computer. Heidi wishes she had gotten a Mac, but Heidi’s husband needed to use her new computer until his new job supplied him with a new laptop and a Mac was incompatible with his software.
If you understood that sentence, Heidi is impressed.
One day Heidi was trying to scan some of her drawings.
It was not working.
Heidi was angry.
Heidi was frustrated.
Heidi was not sure why her laptop would no longer speak to three printers or a scanner.
It had become an aloof lemon.
Or why the ‘s’ sticks, turning words like “sticks” into “tick”.
Heidi has to watch carefully for ticks.
(Alternate line: It has caused Heidi to develop a tick.)

Heidi called Dell.
Dell said, “We do not wish to help you, Heidi. Please call the Geek Squad.”
Heidi called the Geek Squad.
The Geek said, “We would be happy to help you, Heidi. Please give us $200.”
Heidi became really angry.
She did not give the Geek $200. She took a nap.
Sometimes Heidi deals with her emotions like that.
She might have dreamed about doing this:
but she did not.
When she woke up her Husband asked her to go for a drive.
He drove and drove and drove.
After an hour he ended up at a fruit stand.
A fruit stand that sells only Apples.
He said, “Heidi, why don’t you buy a new laptop?”
Heidi said, “Um, ok.” And smiled really big.
The Fruit Seller said, “The new iphone just came out. Please get in line. For two hours.”
Heidi obeyed.
But then Heidi remembered that she is a homeschool teacher now.
That means that she qualifies for a big discount.
But she had no proof. She needed an Official Homeschooling Mama badge from the state. But she doesn’t have one yet.
So she left the line,
gave Mr. Frantic a big kiss,
and went home.
Then she remembered that as much as she wants a new laptop, she needs a new:
So she is calling the Geek Squad tomorrow.

Heidi may not have a new laptop, but she has a great husband.
And he is totally compatible with her software.

A Heidi Sob Story

Once upon a time there was a Heidi.
Heidi had spent hours minutes illustrating a new Adventures of Heidi story. Then Heidi discovered that her computer was an evil beast that should be shot malfunctioning.
Apparently Heidi’s computer was quarreling with Heidi’s scanner.
The computer was all, “I don’t even know you anymore. You are dead to me.”
The scanner was all, “Did you say something?”
Heidi was all, “Where’s a nerd when you need one?”
In the meantime, Heidi decided to photograph her illustrations.
And then Heidi’s daughter got sick.
With croup. And asthma.
To clarify, Heidi’s daughter did not just get asthma. But the asthma has been on a very long vacation. It now seems as though asthma has returned and is bemoaning all the laundry it has to do.
Heidi says, “Shut-up asthma! No one even wanted you to come back. And to bring your nasty friend croup?! How dare you?”
To which asthma replied “Nah-nah-na-na-na!”
So everyone is a bit snarky at Heidi’s house right now.
But back to the missing illustrations: Instead of photographing her marker art, Heidi’s days are now filled will refilling gator-aid glasses and nebulizer cups, reading even more stories, and checking to make sure all old prescriptions are current. (They are not. And trying to get into a New Doctor when all you need is his signature is driving Heidi crazy. Crazy enough to imagine conversations with asthma, the computer and the scanner.)
And Heidi’s nights are filled with coughing and crying. (It is up to you to sort out who is doing what.) Oh, and backyard campouts.
Why? Because Heidi knows that cool night air is good for croup. And Heidi’s daughter could not breath well enough for the medicine to penetrate her lungs. So Heidi dragged a couple of sleeping bags to the lawn at 3:00am.
The few stars the campers could see were pretty. The clouds were pretty. Heidi’s daughter began to breath almost normally, then fell asleep. Heidi rejoiced. The heaven responded by opening up and pouring water on the happy campers.
It is enough to make Heidi feel like this:
Day 4 - too much time in the car
Please pray.
The End
(I hope)

Adventures of Heidi – The City Bus

Once upon a time Heidi was 15 years old. Or maybe 14. Heidi does not recall.

I threw up on the bus

Heidi was aware that she was not cool. But she tried anyway.
Heidi was not aware that wearing your dad’s old sweater was not grunge. Just grungy.
Heidi was not old enough to drive, but that did not stop her. She had a ticket for freedom: The City Bus.
I threw up on the bus
Spellcheck informs Heidi that “chariots” was correct.

Heidi rode the city bus to the home of Dustin Clock, a super-cute boy that she had a crush on.
Dustin lived on the south end of town and was therefore rich.
Heidi basked in his richness for awhile.
But Heidi did not enjoy it so much.
Heidi’s head was achy. Heidi’s tummy felt weird.
Heidi took her ticket to freedom and went home.
She sat in the back of the bus because she was trying to social climb. But not in the last seat because she was not that cool.
Heidi was glad that the bus was nearly deserted, because she did not feel well at all.
But then the bus-driver stopped and picked up three cool girls.
They sat in the last seat.
Reasons they were cool:

But Heidi stayed calm. She told herself:
I threw up on the bus

But it was not true.
I threw up on the bus
Heidi realized that she left handicapped off the diagram. She is sorry.
She did not leave handi-caped off. Anyone, handi or not, wearing a cape sat with the druggies and crazies.

Heidi tried to play it cool, but Heidi’s stomach did not care. Heidi’s stomach was acting like its parents came home early and found a party. Heidi’s stomach was yelling “Oh crap! My parents are home! Everyone get out!”
Heidi had no other option. She leaned over her seat and…
Shocked silence from the cool girls.
Embarrassed silence from Heidi.
Heidi’s stomach was busy getting grounded.
Heidi did not know what to do, so she just wiped her mouth on the sleeve of her dad’s sweater and stared straight ahead for the rest of the ride.
That’s right. She played it cool.
I threw up on the bus


I threw up on the bus

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