I’m not perfect, and neither is my family. Let’s get that out of the way right now. My house gets messy. I argue with my husband and daughter about weeds and dishes and did-you-feed-the-dog.
You might be wondering what I may have that will help you in your unique circumstances. You may be asking any of these questions
- She has only one child; I have seven. What could she possibly know about motivating my large family?
- She is a stay at home mom; I work outside the home. How could she possibly teach me that will help my family?
- She has a daughter. I have boys. What could she know that will work for them?
My answer to those questions would be, you’re right. However, I have spent a lot of time studying and pondering over the principles I am going to share with you. I have listened to many women share their stories as I have taught workshops about Family Work in church and homeschool conferences.
I believe that regardless of our personal and family circumstances, we, as mothers, are more alike than different.
Imagine this: It’s morning. You are standing in the middle of your kitchen. The floor is sticky. There is an imprint of a Lego on your left heel; it’s sure to leave a bruise. Last night’s dinner remains are still on the table next to three naked Barbies, a dozen uncapped markers, and half the contents of your junk drawer. Your sink is full of dishes that can’t go in the dishwasher because someone forgot to run it again last night. You go to grab a clean cup from the cupboard but there are none available. You sigh, grab an empty tupperware container and think to yourself, “What is that smell? The garbage? The food left on the counter? Me?” Just when you are about to pour yourself something to drink your kids come in and start asking what you are going to make them for breakfast.
Sound familiar? I think we all have days like that – days where you want to throw up your hands and yell, “Make your own %$!@ breakfast!”
I think we all know that giving children responsibilities and teaching them to work hard is important. And I don’t know a mother anywhere who wouldn’t love to have some help with all the things that are necessary to running the household. The problem is, we don’t always know how to make that happen and make it stick. You read a great article about kids and chores, find an awesome chore chart, pull together a system of incentives, and away you go. Everyone is excited about the stickers or points for a few days, but then the whole system fizzles.
I think the problem may be that we are jumping in at the wrong place.
Look, I made a fancy flow chart to show you what I mean.
In order to make lasting changes in our lives, I believe we have to start with principles, or the “why”. From there, we can begin to create a vision for what we want to accomplish. That vision leads to a plan: how we will get from here to there. Once our plan is in place, we can begin implementing it, little by little. As we begin to do so, it reinforces and broadens our understanding of the principles, and the cycle repeats.
Side note: A great book that explores some of these ideas is Raving Fans by Ken Blanchard
Most articles on teaching your kids to work start with implementation. This series is different. In taking some time to focus on the other three steps in the cycle, I hope that you will be able to see real and lasting changes in your homes.
This week, we’re going to talk about principles, in other words: what is family work and why is it important. The principles are pretty universal. We’ll also get you started in creating a vision of what you would like to see in your home. In coming weeks, we’ll talk about planning and implementation. Vision, planning and application vary depending on your individual desires and circumstances. I’ll give some opportunities for you to share through comments, link-ups, and other social media so we can all gain ideas from each other.
Principles
When my daughter, Newt, was a pre-schooler, I had the opportunity to attend a conference for women. One of the classes that I wanted to take was full and I needed to choose another. My only criteria for choosing the replacement class was that it was close to the next class I’d be taking, keeping me from having to walk all the way across campus.
Ironic that my laziness led me to choose a class about work, no?
The presenter focused her remarks on “Family Work”. She defined it as this:
It is most commonly referred to as housework, yard work, and childcare, but it is much more than this; it is family work. It is a way of building a family. Is is an opportunity for even the littlest member to shine. It is a way to teach both independence and interconnectedness. It is service in its best, abeit, most difficult form. Family work is God’s work.
Kathleen Bahr, 2004 BYU Women’s Conference, “Rejoice in His Labour”
That class literally changed my life and the direction I wanted my family to take. I learned principles about family work that elevated it in my mind from drudgery to something far more important.
If you are a Christian, you are likely familiar with this scripture:
For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in. Naked, and ye clothed me. I was sick, and ye visited me. I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, “Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? Or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?”
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my bretheren, ye have done it unto me.
Matthew 25:35-40 KJV
Think about the work that you do in your home. How much of it has to do with feeding, clothing and bringing comfort to your family? Considering the service you give your family (and encourage them to give each other) in these terms elevates it to something far greater than “chores”.
Working together as a family strengthens relationships. It offers a way to be present with each other that many other activities don’t. It’s hard to check your email when you are up to your elbows in sudsy water. But it’s not hard to start a conversation with the small person holding a dish towel.
Family Work builds confidence and self-esteem.
It helps foster a sense of empathy and service.
It’s a great antidote to boredom (though your kids might not always agree).
Learning to work hard at home leads to greater academic success (read Outliers: The Story of Success
Children who learn to value work are far more likely to grow into hard-working, responsible adults. (And therefore, less likely to keep moving back home. :))
What have I left off? Why is work important? Leave your ideas in the comments.
Vision
In Louis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to, “said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where—”said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“—so long as I get somewhere, “Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that, “said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”
Without a vision, you, like Alice, are sure to get somewhere but it’s not likely to be where you truly want.
Your vision is an ideal. Don’t worry if it seems impossible. Don’t even worry, for now, if your vision does not match anyone else’s in your family. (We’ll address that more next week.)
Before something can exist in reality, it must be created in your imagination.
I think I read that on a bumper sticker somewhere…
Begin to create a vision of what you want for your home. Be aware, I am not really talking about material possessions, but more about the feeling that exists in your home. What does your ideal look like? What does it smell like? (Homemade bread or cookies, fresh cut flowers, wood smoke from the fireplace?) What does it sound like? How does it make you feel to be there?
Homework Time
- Get out a piece of paper, open a word document, or download and print (for free) my family work journal – week 1.
- Answer the following questions: Why do you think Family Work is important? Have your feelings changed?
- Take some time to think about what you truly desire for your family. Begin to create a vision (or ideal) for your home. Do not worry about putting anything into practice yet.
- Journal your thoughts. Feel free to post them in the comments or on my facebook page as well, if you’d like.
- Stumble, tweet, like, +1, blog or email this post. Grab a button for your blog. The more people we have joining the conversation the better.
Amazon affiliate links are on. If you purchase any of the books I have linked to, I get a small commission. Thanks!
Loving it Heidi!!! Thanks for sharing. I love having the opportunity to bread it all down in ways my mind hasn’t learned yet. This week I will establish principles and create my vision, without the pressure of doing it today!!! I recently took away all of my children’s morning house chores and told them the only chore they had was getting themselves ready and keeping their room clean. I decided that having them do random dusting, window cleaning etc… was not teaching them anything about having pride in their own space. I often cleaned up their room because I am better and faster at it. But not anymore. It is a little bit of a backwards step, but I am hoping to use it to build upon. They do take a little more ownership over their stuff and sometimes I am surprised that the rooms get cleaned without me nagging. But not I will implement the principle and vision and maybe wonderful things will happen.
Deon, that is wonderful. Sometimes we have to back up and reteach those basics. I’m so glad you are reading and that this is helpful to you!